In the previous blog post, I wrote about beating two restaurant owners with a stick in Dickinson, North Dakota. As I thought about it, more people in Dickinson need to be beat with sticks. As the Lutherans are reading this, they are thinking that this is not right, while the Catholics are thinking about what they have in their garage or back yards. I went to Sacred Heart Catholic School, and kids got beat with sticks every day, and nobody died, at our school.

If I didn’t have to remain anonymous, I would formally propose legislation for Dickinson and Stark County as follows:

“Whereas to maintain good order in the community, the City of Dickinson and Stark County hereby enact the Citizen Tree Stick Law: All male citizens of Dickinson or Stark County, having reached the age of 50 years, and all female residents of Dickinson or Stark County having reached the age of 30 years, may possess and use a Tree Stick, to beat others in Dickinson or Stark County, in order to maintain order and keep the peace. The Tree Stick must be a naturally growing stick from a tree, not refined hardwood from the trunk, nor laminate, nor composite, and must not be greater than 1” in diameter. Individuals may possess back up Tree Sticks. Lawful possessors of Tree Sticks may beat others over the age of 10 years, with a lawful Tree Stick, for the following reasons: use of foul or offensive language, discussion of inappropriate subject matter in public, immorality, tail gating, drunkenness, suspicion of drug use, suspicion of drug dealing, littering, pan handling, public urination, wearing leggings or yoga pants, excessive texting, playing car stereo too loud, theft or attempted theft, acting like White Trash.

The only prohibition is that the Tree Stick possessor not intentionally strike others in the eye, or intentionally beat others to death. It is the sole responsibility of others to flee.”

The reason that I thought of this law, is because there is a need for it. I have said a lot of uncomplimentary things about women in Dickinson, but I think that they would be very fierce stick wielders. Even in the really nice neighborhoods where I did self employed work for homeowners, you could tell that some of those wives would knock the shit out of someone with a stick. In those really nice neighborhoods, you would probably drive around and see some unconscious contractor, husband, or somebody who got hit in the back of the head, just laying there on the lawn.

In restaurants like Perkins, I have been in there in the morning when White Trash workers have come in and sat at a table, and started using foul language that everybody could hear, began discussing inappropriate things, and behaved very offensively. There are usually several groups of elderly people, that could probably drive them out of there if they all had sticks.