Kristi Schwartz is my fourth most favorite person in Dickinson, North Dakota, and she should be yours too, unless you are her husband.

Kristi Schwartz is probably higher rank than fourth with me, but I’m scared to rank her higher because women turn on me so quickly, that I’m not going to give her the chance to mess up my list, knowing she might turn on me, which might be right after she reads this.

I think that Kristi is attractive, she is in her early fifties, she dresses nicely, she is polite, and she behaves respectably. She owns and operates an Allstate Insurance agency in Dickinson, North Dakota. She is also the president of the Downtown Dickinson Association. When I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, she has an approving look towards me. When what I am doing is questionable, she has a wary look towards me. When what I am doing is not what she wants, she glares at me. So I think she is easy to understand and is a good communicator.

What I admire most about Kristi, I’m not saying that I like it, I’m saying that I admire it, was that she managed several different WalMarts for about 20 years. I can’t even handle the stress of shopping at WalMart. WalMart to me is like a Red Cross refugee camp.

Managing a WalMart in Casper, Billings, and Dickinson is to me the equivalent of completing Navy SEAL training and serving tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. I could probably complete Navy SEAL training easier than I could manage a WalMart. If I had to manage a WalMart, I would either go out to my car and leave, or go out to my car and shoot myself in the head. I can’t even psychologically handle writing about WalMart.

I take that back, managing WalMart is more like completing tours of duty in Vietnam. Can you imagine the things that Kristi had to do? Can you imagine the things that Kristi had to live with? Can you imagine all the faces that haunted her at night, the screaming, the chaos? People begging for help, and there is no one to help them.

I recognize now that I am too weak to be of any use to Kristi. My weakness would only disgust her. I like to sleep, and I am unashamed about sleeping. There is no such thing as sleeping too much. And I like to play, and I can hardly keep from playing. Kristi has 38 horses, which is too many horses, and even thinking about or picturing 38 horses is difficult.  You can’t sleep all day, and you can’t play if you have 38 horses.

I recommend that Kristi be admitted to the Dickinson Mafia. As I have already explained in previous blog posts, the Dickinson Mafia are a group of men who own businesses, own properties, are on boards of directors, are in government, who decide amongst themselves what they want to happen in Dickinson. The Dickinson Mafia exerted beneficial control over development in Dickinson to prevent haphazard chaotic development. In the past, the Dickinson Mafia controlled wages and employment in Dickinson, so that workers were paycheck-to-paycheck people, not making enough money to ever get ahead, or leave, ensuring that they had to return to work every Monday for the rest of their lives. The Dickinson Mafia does both good and bad things.