In August and September of 2020 I was thinking about writing another blog post article about South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem.  I was thinking under what conditions and circumstances would I be able to meet her, and get to know her, where she wouldn’t just walk away from me apparently having no interest in me whatsoever.

There is very little to do in western North Dakota, and there are almost no attractive women.  In the past couple of years, it is common for me to go for two months without ever seeing an attractive woman here.  Just looking at Facebook Marketplace where women try to sell their used clothes, it is unbelievable how even ordinary, everyday women in other states totally eclipse the women here in appearance.

The combination of no women here and nothing to do, leads me to create in my mind fantasies about what it would be like to spend time with women such as South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem.  In the past, in order to be able to establish in my mind the circumstances under which I could meet a woman that I like, where she could not avoid me, would be if the two of us were stranded together on a deserted island.

You see, just like a movie, a fantasy has to have the elements and components of possibility, probability, and believability, in order for oneself to become immersed in the fantasy.  So it is important to properly set the circumstances, conditions, scene, and characters beforehand.  Then there has to be dialogue, plot development, conflict, resolution, before there can be any romance.

So here I was, making the long drive to work each day, creating in my mind this movie, where a disheveled, but tan Kristi Noem was emerging from the clear blue ocean water, onto a white sand beach, where we first meet, when I hear on the radio that a group of men have been arrested for planning to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer.  Oh no, I thought, they are going to ruin this for me, now I won’t be able to write my fantasies about Kristi Noem without getting into trouble.

I looked up Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, who I previously knew nothing about, and I saw that she is not bad looking.  She has a pretty face, large dark eyes, long dark hair, she is not overweight, and she has a direct manner of speaking.  Gretchen Whitmer and Kristi Noem could be cousins.

I thought if a whole group of guys was planning on kidnapping Governor Gretchen Whitmer, maybe she is more desirable than Governor Kristi Noem, is she better than Kristi Noem?  When I read that these guys were planning on taking Gretchen Whitmer out on a boat, I thought, well that does have kind of a romantic plot, I wonder why I never thought of that, damn.

I was kind of mad about the situation, because here I was, trying to establish in my mind how I could meet Kristi Noem, and these guys have to go and ruin it for me, because now, if I were to write about this, all kinds of people would start screeching that I was planning on kidnapping Governor Kristi Noem.

No, I never said anything about kidnapping Governor Kristi Noem, I said that we were both stranded, stranded on a deserted island.  Geez, it’s not my fault, being stranded.

I had to begin again with my fantasy.  This time, with nothing about islands and water, which would trigger people.

For something completely different, imagine that Governor Kristi Noem was shooting at coyotes or wolves from an airplane, like Alaska Governor Sarah Palin used to do.  The pilot of this Cessna 180, was going too slow, and not paying attention to the approaching mountain, which led to their plane crashing into the trees, which I observed.

Not knowing who was onboard this crashed plane, as a Good Samaritan I rushed to this plane crash site on the side of a remote, snowy mountain.  The pilot was obviously dead, there was nothing that I could do for him, but the passenger was still alive, though knocked unconscious and bloody.

I carried this unconscious crash survivor to my vehicle, and lay her on the back seat.  It was quickly becoming dark, and snowing heavily.  With the deep snow, it was going to be difficult to make it back to my house, there was no way that I would be able to drive out to the highway tonight.

I carried this airplane crash survivor into my warm, cozy house, lay her on the sofa, and placed a light blanket over her.  The best thing for her, would be to rest here tonight, there was nothing else that could be done.  And, there was no cell phone service at this location, for me to call anyone.

After a couple of hours had passed, somewhere between 7 p.m.-8 p.m., my guest groggily became conscious and awake.  She wanted to know what happened and where she was.  I explained to her what happened and where she was.  I said to her that she had hit her head, she might have a concussion, that she should try to remain calm and still.

She did not seem to want to take my advice, she did not appear to believe that rest and lying still was the best thing for her.  I could tell that she was not happy with the way things were, as if she didn’t trust me, and she wanted to try to leave.

I tried to calm her, and persuade her that there was nothing else that could be done, there was nothing that she could do but wait until morning.  It would be disastrous to try to leave now in this cold and snowy weather, to leave a safe warm home, in order to become stuck out in the forest overnight inside a vehicle miles from anywhere.

I refused to give her my vehicle keys, partly because she was wrong to try to leave, and partly because I didn’t want to have to go rescue my vehicle and her again.  I tried to offer her something to drink and something to eat, to calm her down and make her feel better, but this only made her more angry.

Kristi:  You fucking asshole!  I don’t want a Coke, I don’t want any iced-tea, I don’t want any soup, I don’t want any Greek Salad!  I want to fucking leave!

I was on my way to regretting that I had gotten involved and helped this woman in the first place.  This was very ungrateful of her to not appreciate that if I had not gotten her out of the plane when I did and taken her home with me, she would have frozen to death by now, and I told her so.

Kristi:  You fucking sick pervert, I don’t believe that you don’t have a telephone, and I don’t believe that you can’t drive out of here!  I think that you brought me here because you plan on keeping me here!

More arguing took place, and I began to lose interest in my guest’s well being.  In order to shut her up, I offered her some alcohol.  I asked if she would like some pre-mixed Margarita, some pre-mixed Long Island Ice Tea, or some Rum.

Kristi:  You asshole!  You know I have a concussion, and you offer me alcohol!  You sick pervert!  What, do you think that you are going to get me drunk, and then have your way with me, huh!

I was exhausted.  I am not used to entertaining guests.  I sat in almost an oblivion, vaguely aware that my guest had walked to the kitchen in a huff, and it sounded like she had helped herself to the Tequila mix, moving every bottle, glass, and object with a bang or a thud.

I felt as if my guest was watching me, evaluating me, sizing me up.  I heard her glass fill several more times. Then, her inquisition began:

Kristi:  So, do you have a girlfriend?  (snort, snort, snort)  I didn’t think so, probably not.  Why don’t you have a girlfriend, because you’re creepy?  (snort, snort, snort)

Kristi:  What do you do for a living?  Huh?  Do you even have a job?

Kristi:  Do you have any friends?  Why don’t you have any friends?  Do you have any hobbies, any interests?  Looking at porn?  But you said that you don’t even have internet, that’s right.

After my guest had been interrogating, insulting, and antagonizing me for quite a while, and was continuing to drink, I went to the bathroom to get away from her and make a phone call.

Me:  Hello?  There was a plane crash earlier this evening where I live.  The pilot was killed but the passenger survived, I think that it’s Governor Kristi Noem.  It was snowing too hard to drive out to the highway, I thought that it would be best if she stayed here until morning, but she began drinking alcohol, and now she is being really nasty towards me, and I would like for the South Dakota Highway Patrol to come and get her, now.

Dispatcher:  Are you sure it’s not the North Dakota Superintendent of Schools, Kirsten Baesler, that you’ve got?

Me:  No, it’s Kristi Noem.

Kristi:  (Banging on door)  I knew it, I knew it!  You lying bastard!  I knew you had a phone!  Open this door!  You come out here right now!

Dispatcher:  O.K., hold on, I’m connecting you to the South Dakota Highway Patrol.

South Dakota Highway Patrol:  South Dakota Highway Patrol, what is your emergency?

Kristi:  (Bang, bang, bang)  You come out of there right now your fucker!  You asshole!  I’m going to break this door down!

Me:  Yes, earlier today there was a plane crash.  The pilot was killed, but the passenger survived.  I took her to my house, because it was snowing too hard to make it to the highway.  I think that she had a concussion, but then she started drinking tequila, and now she acting out of control.  It’s Governor Kristi Noem.  Can you come and get her tonight?

Kristi:  (Bang, bang, bang)  Open this door!  Open this door right now!  Come out here!

South Dakota Highway Patrol:  We’ll come and get her tomorrow. (click)

Me:  But wait, you didn’t even get my address….

I waited in the bathroom until the banging and yelling stopped, knowing full well that I had left my vehicle keys outside on the counter top, hoping that Kristi would just take my vehicle and leave, even though I liked my vehicle.

When I slowly opened the bathroom door to survey the situation, I saw that Kristi had taken all of her outer clothes off, and was now laying on her back on the sofa.  She had the nicest, best fitting, and I’m sure the most expensive black panties and bras that I had ever seen.  I was prepared for there to be more fighting, but Kristi was prepared for something else.

I guess Kristi was kind of like a race horse, you just can’t take it out of it’s stall and ride it, you have to work some of it’s excess energy off by running it on a lunge line, or something like that.

In the morning Kristi was a different person.  She was dignified, and respectable.  She acted like nothing had happened.  Very little was said as I drove her out to the highway to meet the South Dakota Highway Patrol for them to take her wherever.  I wanted to tell her how much that I liked her, but it would do no good, and only make me appear weak.  I knew that I would never see or hear from her again.