Please read my previous blog, “Like Crabs In A Bucket”, that describes how people in Dickinson will possibly try to impede your life.
Below are some preliminary guidelines on how to get by in Dickinson, North Dakota:
Don’t Say Anything! For reasons that will be explained below, do not say anything! If people in Dickinson learn that you have an education, that you have a foreign car, that you have a pretty wife or girlfriend, that you have a house, that you are from a different state, you will have difficulties!
Try Not To Let It Be Discovered That You Have An Education! North Dakota has the largest number of people with less than an 8th grade education, and the highest per capita beer consumption. So if you hear someone talking about something that is factually not correct, or absurdly incorrect, try not to say anything, so that you are neither agreeing nor disagreeing. It helps to go and do something else, if you feel tempted to say something. Remember, people in North Dakota would rather you had done four years in prison than four years in college!
Do Not Let It Be Known That You Have A Foreign Car! You had better not have a foreign car! What, do you think you are better than us? What, are you too good to drive an American car? Get that piece of shit out of here!
Do Not Let It Be Known That You Have A Pretty Wife Or A Pretty Girlfriend! If you have a pretty wife, or a pretty girlfriend, do not be seen with her. If you are seen with her, this will cause bewilderment, confusion, anger, hatred, jealousy, and malevolence. Most men in Dickinson do not have a pretty wife. Most men in Dickinson have a wife that is overweight. I don’t think that they know their wife is not pretty and overweight, they only have the other wives in Dickinson to compare them to. This is what they are used to. Don’t rock the boat, keep your pretty wife or girlfriend out of sight.
Do Not Let It Be Known That You Have A House, Or Anything! If they think that you have anything, anything!, they will be jealous of you. You must think that you are better than them if you have a: hot tub, drum set, aquarium, etcetera. That ain’t right if you have a: house, pool, pool table, trampoline, etcetera.
You may think, “So what, I don’t care.” Do Not Make This Mistake! You have driven here from a different state and have relocated. Do you want to lose that job that you just got because your wife came by to drop off your lunch? Now everybody is mad, and nobody can get any work done becuase you have a pretty wife. How did you get a pretty wife? Do you have money? Hey!, how much is this new guy getting paid! Yeah, how much is this new guy getting paid that he can have a pretty wife?! That aint right!
Another example: “Hey, I heard this new guy say that he had a pool.” Reply, “Well we don’t need any of that shit around here! These people coming from some other state, bragging about how they had a pool! If their state is so good, then how come they came out here, they probably need to go back there then!” Yeah!!!
Example: “I heard this guy say he used to be an engineer, well we don’t need any engineers around here. I’m gonna drop this board on his head when he walks by. Look here he comes…” “Heh, heh, that’ll teach him.”
Remember, Dickinson used to be nice before you got here! You ruined everything! We don’t need that (meaning anything you have, anything you have done, anything you are) shit around here!